Saturday, September 17, 2011

Moulin Rouge

Brief summary:
The year is 1899, and Christian, a young English writer, has come to Paris to follow the Bohemian revolution taking hold of the city's drug and prostitute infested underworld. And nowhere is the thrill of the underworld more alive than at the Moulin Rouge, a night club where the rich and poor men alike come to be entertained by the dancers, but things take a wicked turn for Christian as he starts a deadly love affair with the star courtesan of the club, Satine. But her affections are also coveted by the club's patron: the Duke. A dangerous love triangle ensues as Satine and Christian attempt to fight all odds to stay together but a force that not even love can conquer is taking its toll on Satine

From the title of the movie, it sounded French to me. Ha-zah! I was correct. Without seeing the name, I thought the movie would feature people who didn't bathe, cheese and begets and snails, and complained all the time. But it's not safe for me to make fun of the French. I once was named the Twitter jerk of the Day for making fun of an Air France flight that went "missing" over the Ocean. I thought they were lost, not dead. Excuse me for giving the French who fly planes the benefit of the doubt.

You would think this movie is for women being that is very popular among women. It's quite the opposite. This movie is for DUDES. Within the first 3 minutes of the film, I find out that Ewan McGregor stars in the movie. Obi Wan Kenobi is in this movie. DO YOU KNOW HOW COOL THAT IS?! He can hang around anywhere, have a French man stumble into his life, and train him into a Jedi Knight. The only draw back is that the French Man would turn evil and Ewan would have to train the Frenchman's son into a Jedi Knight as well to kill the father Frenchman. Maybe it's just a good idea not to have any Jedis in France to begin with.

Ewan spends the whole movie at his desk writing about the Moulin Rouge and cutting back to flashbacks. He is doing so with a wife beater on and suspenders. I've seen the trend in old timey movies or movies where people are dressed in old timey clothes where men are wearing wife beaters AND suspenders. They are half way getting undressed, the formal shirt is off. Do they really care if the pants stay up? Hell! I say a real man is someone who can walk around his house with no pants on without a care in the world. Women feel free to do the same. Being comfortable without pants will set you free.

This movie has everything you want. It has dwarfs, not the Lord of the Ring kind. Hold your sadness. Just because they aren't mining in the mountains for valuable minerals, doesn't make them any less cool. This is a normal midget type little person. The dwarf is hanging out with people who are dressed like circus folk and wear top hats. People are wearing top hats. Ewan is wearing a top hat. If you're not sold by the fact that Ewan McGregor is wearing a top hat, check your pulse. You're probably not breathing. Top hats, men with mustaches, and pretty and sexy dancing women. What more could you want?!

This movie sings songs popular throught out American pop culture in the 20th century.
For instance:
The hills are alive with the sound of music- I expected Nazis to march in the movie and search to kill for Julie Andrews and her family.
Diamonds Are a Girl's Best friend - I expect Marilyn Monroe to have to spend the whole movie pushing down her dress because it inconveniently keeps lifting up and becomes a burden.
Smells like teen spirit - I expected Kurt Cobain to walk into the shot with a shotgun and shoot himself in the head.

Most of my expectations about the film have not been fulfilled. No nazis, no kurt, and no marilyn.

But I did not expect to be blown away and turned on by Nicole Kidman so much. She would go crazy over a man speaking poetry. Just imagine how turned on she would be if I read Harry Potter aloud. I'm thinking of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Instead of saying Harry Potter, I say my name. Instead of Ron Weasley, it's replaced with Nicole Kidman. So it's Nicole Kidman, Hermione, and I all together in the Chamber of Secrets. Magic would happen in the Chamber no doubt after the Basilisk is unleashed.

Speaking of Harry Potter, the actor who played Professor Slughorn is in this movie. I'm overjoyed and scared at the same time. One, Voldemort might show up. Two, Harry might show up as well. Since they are wizards and magic, I assume they can transcend different stories and movies. Anything is possible for a wizard...or Ewan McGregor.

I may have a hetero dude crush on Ewan. He is a ladies man no doubt. Great singer, poetic, has an accent. I'm not gay but wouldn't it be weird to find out you were gay by a movie with Ewan McGregor? Comedian Louis CK said he has never had a reason not suck a dick. It's funnier when you hear Louis said it but he mentioned he was at an awards show and saw Ewan McGregor there. He said was a such a beautiful man. Louic CK also said if he would ever give oral pleasure to any man in the world, it would be Ewan. Just dive right in there. Both C.K. and I agree that Ewan is pretty suave and swanky swag. Know this about Swanky Swag, Hilary Swank does not have it. Just cause your name is Swank, doesn't mean you get Swanky Swag by default.

I want to hire someone(I would pay them sweat shop wages because I'm on a budget) to count all the times the word "love" is mentioned. There is a scene where the star crossed lovers are on top of a building shaped like an elephant and singing love songs. The whole movie is a love story bent on reminding you it's all about love. The characters love each other. Love shall overcome. Love finds a way. Love this, love that. Love, love, love, love , love. This movie is totally hardcore on the love factor. It's like a love rollercoaster instead of a tunnel of love.

I've never actually been on a tunnel of love. No one to go with at this time in my life(Forever alone) and most carnivals I've been to don't have a tunnel of love. But they do have a lot of scary carnies. That's not the same at all. A arrow from cupid is not the same as a switchblade from a carnival employee.

If you're not in love or in a relationship like Nicole and Ewan, Moulin Rouge will stick it in your face how alone and single you are. It's both a brilliant and sad at the same time. I found myself wishing I had a girlfriend to watch this with and to make out in my basement during the movie. This is the proper way to watch Moulin Rouge. Not alone, never alone. Only together alone.

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