Saturday, June 5, 2010

The Legend of The Phallic Snow Sculpture

"Buddy-Buddy" Pose


Behold it's Glory


"American Gothic" Style



It was a blustery day in the 100 Acre Woods......errrr.....wrong story. Hold on.....'Twas a snowy day in the South. In Georgia is where our story takes place. Rarely will it snow. The South has notorious for it's heat. So when you get snow, you better be mighty thankful. If you're lucky, it may snow for a day once or twice a year. Many kids have never seen a snowflake up close in there lives. Something was happening this winter cause Georgia experienced many "snow storms". Maybe God was on our side this time and answered a wish or something.

Our story's hero is from the North; Bellingham, Washington to be exact. Fun fact about Bellingham, Death Cab For Cutie is from Bellingham. Our hero, Colson, is a pretty big fan of the band and looks up to Ben Gibbard, lead singer of Death Cab for Cutie. Since Colson is a child of the Great North, he grew up with snow. He missed snow very much in the dry, barren, temperate South. When he wakes up to snow outside, the angels cry out and rejoice in a chorus of Hallelujahs.

UNFORTUNATELY! The county in which he resided in saw the snow BUT chose to have school on that day. THE FOOLS! When there is ever snow, schools must close down for the sake of their students. Everyone needs a day off. Kids can be kids and play. Adults get to do whatever adults do, but away from school. Even though the jerks behind the desks in the school's administration didn't call of school due to snow, they couldn't crush the spirit of The Student Body. Throughout every lunch period and between classes, there were massive snow ball fights. Also some students carried snowballs into classrooms to throw at their friends and run away. Colson was one of the people. He also witness a group of Sophomore boys bring a snowman into a classroom to surprise their teacher. Needless to say, she was surprised.

School was nearing to a close, but no one could get enough of the snow. Colson waited by his bus to throw snowballs at everyone getting on his bus. Oh did this boy love his shenanigans or what. When he gets home with his little brother, his litle brother has an idea. His foolish brother had the idea to build a snowman. Colson, being an innovative genius has a different idea. How do you one up a snowman? MAKE A GIANT SNOW PENIS! And that's exactly what they did.

They first started off with creating the large snow testicles then the shaft. The whole process of creating this lovely piece of art took around 2 1/2 to 3 hours to create. The creation belonged to Colson. It was his brainchild. He labored heavily on this masterpiece. Things like this don't just come along every day. IT WAS ART! The sculpture stood at a whopping 5 foot 7 inches. Colson used his little brother for measurements. As soon as the masterpiece was bigger than Caleb, it would be complete. When he completed it, he was proud. He accomplished a great thing.

Colson spent the hours in the rest of the day watching the Snow Penis, admiring his work but also guarding it. He feared the neighbors might not understand the incredibility of this piece of art and take matters into their own hands. He grew anxious that it would get destroyed by a pious neighbor. The neighbors all have small children in preschool or elementary school. It's doubtful that they knew what the sculpture was. One by one, members of Colson's family came home. His older brother Zach congratulated him, his best friend AJ wished he was there to help with the construction of the sculpture, his mom thought it was was shocking, and his sister was a very large female dog about it and wanted to destroy with her own hands. Now Colson had to protect it against his evil conniving sister. She was freaking out about it, oh how conservative she is! She felt it was embarrassing. She worried what the neighbors would think. Oh woe is me, She does not understand true art!!!

So Colson's father comes home. It has become dark now. The night has cloaked the great Phallic Sculpture so the untrained eye could not identify it as a Snow Penis. The father walked inside, said, "Oh, you guys made a snowman. Cool.", and thought nothing more of it....UNTIL! Colson's sister had to make a scene about the masterpiece. She told the father to look at it a little closer. "IT'S A PENIS!", she screamed. Colson's father thought it was funny but as a father, he has to say it's wrong. He has to pretend he doesn't like it even though he sees the hilarity of sculpture. Colson's father ordered the little brother to destroy the sculpture. The little brother lept to opportunity and grabbed a baseball bat.

HE beat Colson's Penis down with a baseball bat. His great art accomplishment. Colson's dream was shattered. Colson wanted Snow Penis to last all night. He wanted it freeze overnight and so the Snow Penis would be around for a very long time. Colson felt very attached to his work. He will never forget the time he spent with his Phallic sculpture. They will always have those few hours spent together.

Snow Penis was Colson's Statue of David. It was a penis. Nothing homosexual about it. Every single human being on this Earth will see a naked penis at least one in their life. What is so wrong about it? God created it in his image. The human body is a beautiful thing, not something to be ashamed of. The large 5' 7'' tall Penis was a tribute to the beauty of God's creations.

People don't understand art.......that and why having a very large life-like Snow Penis in your front yard is HILARIOUS!