Teeth

I love movies. I love the cinema and watching the like. But there is just one movie I feel is a crime against the art of film. No my dear reader, I am not talking about a Wayans Brother's movie, Twilight, Tyler Perry movie, or something else like those. I talking about the movie: TEETH.


If you haven't seen the movie, DON'T, for the love of God, SEE THIS MOVIE! To summarize it, girl is born with Vagina Tentata, which means she has teeth in her vagina. She discovers she has a Klaptrap(Donkey kong reference! You like?) in between her legs and she becomes this superhero with the power to cut men's dicks when she is having sexual intercourse with them. I have seen the Saw movies. I have watched Hostel. I have seen some pretty violent and gruesome stuff in my day. I am desensitized pretty greatly. But this movie just made me squirm. It makes me not trust any woman around me. It makes me fear a woman's vagina. Just like after seeing Jaws audiences were afraid to go in the water, well the same goes for me and vaginas. Public schools should show this for abstinence classes because it is more effective than any STD short film they could show.


What I find very sick and twisted about the movie posters is the phrase "Every Rose has it's thorn." I'm pretty sure when I go through a garden of roses, those roses don't hack off me wee-wee in a snap. The movie is so demented. Without the three major Chain-chop(Another nintendo reference, I am on a roll!) vagina scenes which are vile acts against nature, the plot sucks. Much of the movie is anticipating the girl decapitating the head of a man's penis. THIS FILM ACTUALLY HAS A 82% FRESH RATING ON ROTTEN TOMATOES! IT WON A SUNDANCE FILM FESTIVAL AWARD! I am losing faith in humanity.

It's suppose to be a dark comedy film. Whoever finds this shit hysterically amusing needs to check their head. This has to be the darkest thing that only demons and the Devil himself could find funny. Now women seem to find this movie not only humorous but also empowering. Teeth is a feminist movie more than horror one could say. Well women! You fail to see the big picture. Since women do not have a package consisting of a pair of testicles and a penis, they fail to see what is so gruesome about this film.

Teeth dives into what every man fears. Women have internal sex organs so their shit is pretty secure. Men on the otherhand, have everything out front in one area. We are very cautious of that groin area. When it gets hit lightly, the pain of getting hit in the balls is indescribable. It starts off slow and sticks around. It's hurts and leaves you sick for an hour. The package of a man is very sensitive, very important, and very fragile. The sex organ of a man is what makes a man a man. It's a crime of nature to rob him of that. Men fear losing their penises(or is the spelling penai, like cactai?) more than anything. Ask an inmate who is on Death Row if they could choose by getting their dick chomped off or choose capital punishment like the electric chair, most likely they'll choose the electric chair.

I don't view Teeth as art. I see it as an abomination. I honestly think it gives women ideas that if they want to get revenge on a man, they'll just cut off his dick with a knife or something. It's happened before and the public has forgotten about it. Now this movie comes waltzing around and puts terrible and horrific ideas into impressionable women. It's best for society and MANkind to prevent anyone else from seeing this movie.

Every rose has it's thorn. Bret Michaels, you should be ashamed of writing that song. Not only is it a cliche 80s ballad but also it gives sick, demented verbal irony to a sick, demented movie.

You don't mess with the penis!