Saturday, June 5, 2010

The Legend of The Phallic Snow Sculpture

"Buddy-Buddy" Pose


Behold it's Glory


"American Gothic" Style



It was a blustery day in the 100 Acre Woods......errrr.....wrong story. Hold on.....'Twas a snowy day in the South. In Georgia is where our story takes place. Rarely will it snow. The South has notorious for it's heat. So when you get snow, you better be mighty thankful. If you're lucky, it may snow for a day once or twice a year. Many kids have never seen a snowflake up close in there lives. Something was happening this winter cause Georgia experienced many "snow storms". Maybe God was on our side this time and answered a wish or something.

Our story's hero is from the North; Bellingham, Washington to be exact. Fun fact about Bellingham, Death Cab For Cutie is from Bellingham. Our hero, Colson, is a pretty big fan of the band and looks up to Ben Gibbard, lead singer of Death Cab for Cutie. Since Colson is a child of the Great North, he grew up with snow. He missed snow very much in the dry, barren, temperate South. When he wakes up to snow outside, the angels cry out and rejoice in a chorus of Hallelujahs.

UNFORTUNATELY! The county in which he resided in saw the snow BUT chose to have school on that day. THE FOOLS! When there is ever snow, schools must close down for the sake of their students. Everyone needs a day off. Kids can be kids and play. Adults get to do whatever adults do, but away from school. Even though the jerks behind the desks in the school's administration didn't call of school due to snow, they couldn't crush the spirit of The Student Body. Throughout every lunch period and between classes, there were massive snow ball fights. Also some students carried snowballs into classrooms to throw at their friends and run away. Colson was one of the people. He also witness a group of Sophomore boys bring a snowman into a classroom to surprise their teacher. Needless to say, she was surprised.

School was nearing to a close, but no one could get enough of the snow. Colson waited by his bus to throw snowballs at everyone getting on his bus. Oh did this boy love his shenanigans or what. When he gets home with his little brother, his litle brother has an idea. His foolish brother had the idea to build a snowman. Colson, being an innovative genius has a different idea. How do you one up a snowman? MAKE A GIANT SNOW PENIS! And that's exactly what they did.

They first started off with creating the large snow testicles then the shaft. The whole process of creating this lovely piece of art took around 2 1/2 to 3 hours to create. The creation belonged to Colson. It was his brainchild. He labored heavily on this masterpiece. Things like this don't just come along every day. IT WAS ART! The sculpture stood at a whopping 5 foot 7 inches. Colson used his little brother for measurements. As soon as the masterpiece was bigger than Caleb, it would be complete. When he completed it, he was proud. He accomplished a great thing.

Colson spent the hours in the rest of the day watching the Snow Penis, admiring his work but also guarding it. He feared the neighbors might not understand the incredibility of this piece of art and take matters into their own hands. He grew anxious that it would get destroyed by a pious neighbor. The neighbors all have small children in preschool or elementary school. It's doubtful that they knew what the sculpture was. One by one, members of Colson's family came home. His older brother Zach congratulated him, his best friend AJ wished he was there to help with the construction of the sculpture, his mom thought it was was shocking, and his sister was a very large female dog about it and wanted to destroy with her own hands. Now Colson had to protect it against his evil conniving sister. She was freaking out about it, oh how conservative she is! She felt it was embarrassing. She worried what the neighbors would think. Oh woe is me, She does not understand true art!!!

So Colson's father comes home. It has become dark now. The night has cloaked the great Phallic Sculpture so the untrained eye could not identify it as a Snow Penis. The father walked inside, said, "Oh, you guys made a snowman. Cool.", and thought nothing more of it....UNTIL! Colson's sister had to make a scene about the masterpiece. She told the father to look at it a little closer. "IT'S A PENIS!", she screamed. Colson's father thought it was funny but as a father, he has to say it's wrong. He has to pretend he doesn't like it even though he sees the hilarity of sculpture. Colson's father ordered the little brother to destroy the sculpture. The little brother lept to opportunity and grabbed a baseball bat.

HE beat Colson's Penis down with a baseball bat. His great art accomplishment. Colson's dream was shattered. Colson wanted Snow Penis to last all night. He wanted it freeze overnight and so the Snow Penis would be around for a very long time. Colson felt very attached to his work. He will never forget the time he spent with his Phallic sculpture. They will always have those few hours spent together.

Snow Penis was Colson's Statue of David. It was a penis. Nothing homosexual about it. Every single human being on this Earth will see a naked penis at least one in their life. What is so wrong about it? God created it in his image. The human body is a beautiful thing, not something to be ashamed of. The large 5' 7'' tall Penis was a tribute to the beauty of God's creations.

People don't understand art.......that and why having a very large life-like Snow Penis in your front yard is HILARIOUS!

Friday, May 28, 2010

Teeth

I love movies. I love the cinema and watching the like. But there is just one movie I feel is a crime against the art of film. No my dear reader, I am not talking about a Wayans Brother's movie, Twilight, Tyler Perry movie, or something else like those. I talking about the movie: TEETH.


If you haven't seen the movie, DON'T, for the love of God, SEE THIS MOVIE! To summarize it, girl is born with Vagina Tentata, which means she has teeth in her vagina. She discovers she has a Klaptrap(Donkey kong reference! You like?) in between her legs and she becomes this superhero with the power to cut men's dicks when she is having sexual intercourse with them. I have seen the Saw movies. I have watched Hostel. I have seen some pretty violent and gruesome stuff in my day. I am desensitized pretty greatly. But this movie just made me squirm. It makes me not trust any woman around me. It makes me fear a woman's vagina. Just like after seeing Jaws audiences were afraid to go in the water, well the same goes for me and vaginas. Public schools should show this for abstinence classes because it is more effective than any STD short film they could show.


What I find very sick and twisted about the movie posters is the phrase "Every Rose has it's thorn." I'm pretty sure when I go through a garden of roses, those roses don't hack off me wee-wee in a snap. The movie is so demented. Without the three major Chain-chop(Another nintendo reference, I am on a roll!) vagina scenes which are vile acts against nature, the plot sucks. Much of the movie is anticipating the girl decapitating the head of a man's penis. THIS FILM ACTUALLY HAS A 82% FRESH RATING ON ROTTEN TOMATOES! IT WON A SUNDANCE FILM FESTIVAL AWARD! I am losing faith in humanity.

It's suppose to be a dark comedy film. Whoever finds this shit hysterically amusing needs to check their head. This has to be the darkest thing that only demons and the Devil himself could find funny. Now women seem to find this movie not only humorous but also empowering. Teeth is a feminist movie more than horror one could say. Well women! You fail to see the big picture. Since women do not have a package consisting of a pair of testicles and a penis, they fail to see what is so gruesome about this film.

Teeth dives into what every man fears. Women have internal sex organs so their shit is pretty secure. Men on the otherhand, have everything out front in one area. We are very cautious of that groin area. When it gets hit lightly, the pain of getting hit in the balls is indescribable. It starts off slow and sticks around. It's hurts and leaves you sick for an hour. The package of a man is very sensitive, very important, and very fragile. The sex organ of a man is what makes a man a man. It's a crime of nature to rob him of that. Men fear losing their penises(or is the spelling penai, like cactai?) more than anything. Ask an inmate who is on Death Row if they could choose by getting their dick chomped off or choose capital punishment like the electric chair, most likely they'll choose the electric chair.

I don't view Teeth as art. I see it as an abomination. I honestly think it gives women ideas that if they want to get revenge on a man, they'll just cut off his dick with a knife or something. It's happened before and the public has forgotten about it. Now this movie comes waltzing around and puts terrible and horrific ideas into impressionable women. It's best for society and MANkind to prevent anyone else from seeing this movie.

Every rose has it's thorn. Bret Michaels, you should be ashamed of writing that song. Not only is it a cliche 80s ballad but also it gives sick, demented verbal irony to a sick, demented movie.

You don't mess with the penis!

Monday, May 24, 2010

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Would you rather: Harry Potter or Pokemon?

So my friends like to play the "Would you rather game"...alot. Usually the two options have to do with a combination extremely disgusting things and perverse acts. Not that I mind these options...... but usuallly these things are nothing special. I would like some special. So recently my friend asked me something that was so unique, genuine, and phresh that I have to spend some time contemplating on it.This is a special question that is both awesome and clean.




Would you rather have our currently reality like the one in Pokemon and have pokemon or the one in Harry Potter and do magic???????




These two options leave me in between a rock and a hard place. First off, I'm huge fan boys of both of them. I've read all the Harry Potter books at least two times each, some of them 5 times such as Goblet of Fire and Prisoner of Askaban. I constantly keep my friends on their toes and vice versa with constant Harry Potter trivia.




QUICK!


How many moving staircases are there in Hogwarts?






Answer: 142




One of my items on my "Bucket List" is to be in the same room with or meet Daniel Radcliffe, J.K. Rowling, or other members of the "H-pitty" cast.




I also even made a youtube video based on actual conversations with my best friend AJ, for Harry Potter. It's titled HP Nerd Fight.



I have imagined what normal day would be like if we all could do magic. To consider this would you rather, we are going to take all the principal characters out of the equation. Magic would be so sweet. Problems would be solved easier and magic doesn't cost that much money like machines do . Magic can fix bridges, transport people, and other benefits would include having a more exciting sport, Quidditch. The only sport I have come to really love is ultimate frisbee. I'm not a very sporty person. I find little in interest in other sports. So! If we had Quidditch, it would replace baseball and become the new national past time in America. That's just how we do in AMerica!

Almost everthing would improve ideally. Think of magic multiplying everything in life times 10. So terrorism, like Voldemort's Death Eaters, would be multiplied by 10 but then our attack force to stopping it would be times 10 so it balances each other out. We would have to need to fly on airplanes, instead we can visit friends in an instant and Apparate. You save money and time. Your friendships grow stronger cause you guys can visit from long distance more often. Bad news, your relatives can visit more often too. =/ Wizard candy, I imagine, is 10 times better then any candy we have in the world. I could try a Pumpkin Pasty and Butterbeer and Fizzing Wizzbees. Muggle things are boring and adding magic makes things exciting. You wouldn't need to get up to change the television channels or get up to get the remote , you can just pull out your wand and it comes flying towards you. I don't know about you, but ever since I have seen Star Wars or Harry Potter, I have tried to get the remote to come flying towards me via Accio spell or Force Pull......I am still unsuccessful. I have also not received my letter on my 11th birthday for Hogwarts and that makes me very sad, even today at the ripe age of 17, where I am legally allowed to do magic now!....if I could do any.



ON THE OTHER HAND! I asked my friends what they think. They commented that if you suck at magic in Harry Potter, you are very useless. Which if you think about it, its true. You try to fly a broom but you fall off from 50 feet and your head gets shoved into your chest. A spell could backfire and hit you. YOu make a sucky potion that kills you. SO many possibilities of dying in the world of Harry POtter.

ONE MORE THING! If you want to do something fun, you need money. It sucks for the poor people. A freaking wand costs 10 galleons. If you want a broom stick, you have to fork over a huge butt load of money. If gold is your currency, the price of everything sky rockets. My friends also agree that things become more dangerous in Harry Potter. You can have one man and his followers undermine an entire government system. Everyone can learn magic so they could possibly kill you with magic in some indirect way. My friend Elex said it was a retarded way to die by getting hit with a green light. And I don't know about you, but when I die, I want to die in a BADASS way, not getting hit with a flashlight light thats green.

People try to play Quidditch in the non magical world. They look freaking retarded. Part of the reason Quidditch is SUPPOSE to be fun is because of how dangerous it actually is. You can fall 100 feet in the air if you get hit by a Bludger. You have to race at 75 or more mphs. It's meant to be an intense game. Brooms make it fun cause everyone has the ambition to fly. Everyone wants to fly. Now the Muggle adaption, mostly played in College, is you are on Broomsticks.....on the ground. One hand always has to be holding a broomstick while you run around. So essentially you have to waddle around like a ginormious toolbag idiot. The snitch is attached to Snitch runner's socks. Bludgers are dodgeballs. Does this all sound gay to you because this sounds pretty fucking gay to me.


THE OTHER OPTION PROVIDED IS POKEMON.

Being a child of the 90s, I too grew up watching the original Pokemon. I would play the gameboy games. Out of the first three options of Yellow version, Red version, and Blue Version, I chose Blue version every time. Then Silver version. Then Saphire version. Then I stopped playing the games I believe cause I could never ever ever ever ever ever beat the League 4. I hated Yellow version for the very reason that you started out with Pikachu and it takes a very very very very very extremely long time to defeat Brock, the 1st gym leader with Rock pokemon. ALL PIKACHU COULD DO WAS TACKLE HIM AND IT TOOK FUCKING FOREVER TO DEFEAT ONE GEODUDE!!!!! That's why a smart person like myself would always start out with Squirtle to defeat Brock with ease. Though sometimes I am far from smart in the Pokemon world. I would always play for hours but never beat the League 4. If I was lucky I could be the 3rd member, then all my Pokemon's health would be drained and the 4th member would kill me. When I would get home from school growing up when the original series came out, I would rush home from to watch Pokemon. I tried to name all 150 and came pretty darn close.

When they give you the option of naming Gary, I would name him Hitler. YOU HAVE DEFEATED HITLER! Fuck yeah. America: 2. Hitler: 0. I felt very patriotic defeating Hitler over and over again with my pokemon.

I would also try to play the game along with the show. Worse decision ever. After a few episodes I realize how slow they actually move. They'll spend a week in veridian city, 2 months on the road, and half a year to defeat some gym leader, all why Team Rocket is still trying to capture Pikachu. WHICH REMINDS ME!!!!!!!!!!

WHY DOES THIS TEAM OF LOSERS ONLY WANT ONE POKEMON????????? THE PURPOSE OF THE TEAM ROCKET ORGANIZATION IS TO STEAL POKEMON TO BUILD AN ARMY OR GET POWERFUL OR SOME CACK LIKE THAT. WHY DOES JESSE, JAMES, AND MEOWTH CARE AND SPEND MANY YEARS TRYING TO CATCH ONE STINKING PIKACHU WHEN THE JOHTO AND KANTO REGION HAS THOUSANDS OF PIKACHUS JUST LIKE THE ONE ASH HAS!!!!!!!! ASH'S PIKACHU ISN'T THAT SPECIAL. IT'S NOT AT LEVEL 100 OR SOME BULLCACK LIKE THAT, IT'S JUST ASH'S BEST FRIEND!!!!!


So let's try to see what our modern day world would be like with Pokemon. Well there would be a whole lot more elementary and middle schoolers running around. Their parents apparently seem to be ok with their child going off around the country to fight other people at the age of 11 or 10. Pokemon are slaves. We go out into the wild and capture them, beat them up, and capture them against their will. Then! We make them fight other Pokemon over and over again. I don't understand if the Pokemon to People ratio is like 10: 1, why don't they just revolt. You can't go walking outside without running into a Pidgey or wandering around a cave with a Zubat flying into you every 3 seconds. If we are making slaves out of powerful animals that are capable of thought, feeling, evolving into stronger animals, and some can talk, they will get pissed. They could destroy our civilization.

So in the Pokemon world, there are presidents or politicians or town leaders. Corporations and Gym leaders rule the land. This doesn't make sense to me and society would seem pretty fucked up to function in. So the Gym leader sole purpose is to wait around for kids to defeat his Pokemon.....what does he do for money???? Those badges, since they are so colorful and elaborate, must get super expensive. And they are just giving them away???!!!

Teleportation is possible, cause Oak can send Ash Pokeballs and Psychic pokemon can teleport. Cloning is possible cause every city has the same nurse and police officer. They say in the television show that Nurse Joy and Officer Jenny have A LOT of cousins. My theory is that they just clone one and set them up around the whole world.....with chips in their brains. Sounds like the set up for a plot in a Sci-Fi movie.

One little 10 year old CHILD can undermine an entire terrorist organization repeatedly, over and over countless times. Is this suppose to be a good thing? I think it would be in our modern world just so the War on Terrorism would be over. But then the war shifts to controlling Pokemon. They are obviously smarter, faster, stronger then all of us. We just managed to developed a prison for them we can walk with them around in and not feed them for weeks. I have never seen Ash feed his Pokemon first, whenever he is hungry. He feeds himself and his human friends join in. Pikachu was smart to realize he didn't have to be locked in a prison. He had free will on his part. And I see Ash rarely let his pokemon out that is not an occasion to battle some random person to be a Pokemon master. HOW CAN A 10 year old boy become a Pokemon master?!! It must take years and years of training to accomplish that. And when you grow up, your dreams change. I wanted to be a Chef growing up. Now I want to be something completely different.

Ash surrounds himself with weird friends. He has got a horny blasian guy who's Dad abandon him. A girl who lives in her sister's shadow and follows the crazy 10 year old, with a lightning rat for a best friend, for the sole purpose of paying her back for a bike. They spend so much money when traveling around, if Ash didn't spend it on worthless cack and just payed Misty back, her annoying self would be gone. The horny blasian guy gets replaced with a creepy guy who wants to be a Pokemon breeder. Let me reiterate this for you: POKEMON BREEDER. This guy has a creepy fetish of WATCHING POKEMON HAVE SEX.



SO TO CHOOSE WHETHER TO LIVE IN A WORLD OF HARRY POTTER OR POKEMON????

I choose Harry Potter.

My reason is that Pokemon seems more dangerous and fucked up. It's a totalitarian state where man munipulates, brainwashes, and controls nature. Pokemon are not friends but slaves. They can used to kill the human race. Kids are allowed to roam the country side and threaten other people to battle(which hurts the pokemon) their pokemon for NO good reason. Terrorism seems a whole lot scarier with giant mutant animals backed up behind them.

Harry Potter seems more fun and happy go lucky.

What's your opinion? Harry Potter or Pokemon?


GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL!!!!!! GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL!!!!!!