Saturday, December 20, 2008

Strange Racist Dream

Last night I had a dream that when I was walking into someone's house to go up their stares to the second floor which doubled as a carnival ride similar to the Zipper. I start walking across the living room and out of nowhere comes Tracy Morgan and he was a cop in this dream and he ran up to me, then reach inside my pockets(very rudely without warning I might add)to search me for stuff. He pulled out a lighter and other knick knacks. He finds nothing to get me on and dissapears and I knew he only searched me because I was white.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Our Downfall

Our Downfall to western civilization starts in Hollywood. The epitome of Hollywood is MTV. I'm trying not to watch that much television any more because a lot of crap I see on tv isn't worth my time. I only need to watch: The Soup, Best Week Ever, Stand up comedy on Comedy Central, Spongebob Squarepants, Fairly Oddparents, The Office, and Heroes. That is basically it. The rest is what TV networks are doing the same thing over and over again telling us viewers what is good.

My beef with TV though is aimed towards MTV. Like my friend Daniel(alwaystextback) said in his Swingers series, " If MTV doesn't play music anymore, then its just TV. " Why call yourself Music Television if you don't even play any music?! And when they do play music, which is usually on TRL, its not even real music. It's just crappy soulless pop music that again, big corporal record company idiots are telling us what we should like. Will we really listen to Katy Pery in 10 years? I think not. I can tell they took alot of work pollishing her album because when she sings live, she sucks monkey balls. Thats when you tell someone sucks, they use a pitch machine to correct the pitch of the voice and you got producers doing crazy s***t to the music.

Also, MTV has the most worse than senseless things Shows on the face of the planet. Except for their current show Man And Wife. That is a good show because its not scripted and Scoop, the Man in man and wife, is a crazy funny guy.

Here's what I think the MTV executives thought at the meetings for new show ideas:
TRL: let's only 30 seconds of an artists music video clip, choose people we want to show and rate the popularity of their music video, fill up an hour half wasted by commercials, and have a guest famous person talk about a speech they say on every show they are interviewed.
The Hills- let's watch "real life" unfold and all its "unscripted" drama
My Super Sweet 16- Hey everybody, let's watch a show about rich brats complain that they need cars and the best party ever or they are going to shout their heads off and be pissed if they don't. Who cares about world poverty and hunger when we can watch these brats get everything they want?
True Life- Let's show problems and exploit it to make everyone feel about themselves.
NEXT- lets watch wannabe actors be a shallow as possible for 10 bucks or less, and lets throw some bad sexual jokes and cliche rhyming and random facts about the daters that MTV made up about them.
Busted- hey Cops was a good show, let's do a rip off of that.
Paris Hilton's: My New BFF: Hey since nobody likes Paris and wants to be her friends, why don't we cast a reality show where we find stalkers to compete to be her friend. They won't mind after the show when Paris won't return their calls.
50 Cent: The Money and the Power: Let's show black people we aren't racist for giving mostly white people their own reality show. Black people love that half dollar guy rapper, right? Let's give him his own show.
VMAs- Death to america.

and last but not least, the show that makes me the most angry at "Music" Television. A Double Shot at Love: with the ikki twins. Now if you are not familiar with the show Shot at love, consider yourself lucky. The show takes some internet whore that no one has heard about and tries to find them love. Shot at love has a twist because they have bisexual people as the people looking for love so they can cast men and women who are desperate to be on television. The ikki twins are apparently one is gay and one is straight. Or maybe both are bisexual. Or maybe both are hermaphrodites. I don't know because they aren't important and their names describe them: icky. I couldn't watch the first season at all with Tila Tequilla because I had to dumb myself down for it and I've seen stuff like it before.

But what really frusturated me was how unoriginal MTV was. They saw from VH1 that Flavor of Love and Rock of Love were huge successes, That they had to cash in on the "celebrity" dating show looking for some action with 20 different people who want to get in their pants. I have really had enough of these shows because there are too many of them. They never end. And.......they have people who got dumped from the dating show they were on, they get there own show looking for love. WTF!!!! They aren't famous at all. They are all just whores.

MTV is whore central and the more people watch the crap they put on it, the more our society is going to go in the downward spiral into chaos.

Monday, December 1, 2008

The Sponge Isn't Gay

So I'm watching one of my favorite tv shows today, Spongebob Squarepants. I refer to him as Spongeboob sometimes. Now when I watch things that deal with children's entertainment, I get very critical. Like when I was watching Wall-E this summer, I would have enjoyed it more if I hadn't been to critical of it. The whole movie I couldn't get over the fact how most of the things in the movie were possible. Like how were the rotund obese humans of the future able to stand up if the gravity of space made the human's bones smaller over time. Or if they tried to move at all out of their chairs, wouldn't they have heart attacks cause they were fat as H-E-double hockey sticks. By the way, I went to see Wall-E with my grandma who is a real estate agent, she didn't like the movie because she thought it was too liberal.

So here are some things I learned and discovered about Spongeboob Squirepants while watching it critically all these years since it came out. Spongebob and Patrick are not gay or gay buddies. They are only best friends. It's impossible for them to be gay because in order to be gay, they would need sex organs. A sponge and a sea star are asexual meaning the reproduce on their own. Which raises questions to Spongebob's parents. Also, how the eff does a crab have a whale for a daughter. Did Mr. Krabs do the dew with a female whale to have Pearl????? Or did he just adopt a enourmous girl whale. Squidward has potential of being gay because he plays the clarinet and likes interpretive dance or just a narcissist because all he paints or sculps is himself. Sandy is on steroids that she made in her treadome lab.

I have also found out that Patrick and Spongebob are legally mentally retarded. Spongebob enjoys working for little pay as a fry cook at a fast food place. In my strange mind, only a "special" person would enjoy a job like that. It's a good thing they are so positive. Patrick and Spongebob act dumb. How Spongebob affords a pineapple house escapes me. That goes for squidward too. Though patrick must be a hobo living on Squidward's property. Though how is he so fat when he doesn't have a job and eats at the Krusty Krab all the time.

These are some of the things I think about when I watch one of my favorite shows of all time. Spongebob is for all ages and I will never stop watching it. The show hides jokes in it that older people can get while the little kids like it because its colorful and there is a sponge talking to them. My dad enjoys watching it and I love it. My favorite episode is Survival of the Idiots. It's where Patrick and Spongeboob are stuck in Sandy's house for the winter. I also love the Spongebob movie too.

Spongeboob rocks!

Friday, November 28, 2008

Leafs are Mean

So its fall time. So that means the trees have to shed their leaves. I don't know why people think the changing of the color of the leafs are cool. When people faces change color, thats not cool. That means they are obviously furious or choking on something. What's not cool is that when you live around a place with LOTS of bigs trees. You have alot of leaves falling in YOUR yard. Who has to rake them? me thats who. I took me 6 hours to rake up all my leaves in the yard. 6 hours plus my little brother Caleb coming outside to annoy me just because he is bored.

So I got a couple of anecdotes(stories for those with a short ranged vocabulary) about this wonderful thing about leaves. The tradition with leaves when you are young is that you are suppose to rake them into a ginormous pile and jump into them. I remember on an episode in Arthur on PBS where the kids were jumping into a big pile of leaves and they made it seem very glamourous. Well, the first time I saw that, I thought jumping into a pile like that would be like jumping onto a pile of pillows and cushions.

Well when I saw the fall episode of Arthur, I rake a bunch of leaves in my backyard. Then I backed up and did a running jump into the pile of leaves. I jumped and dropped straight down flat on my stomach. I didn't land on a pile of pillows but a thing called the ground. I got the wind knocked out of me which is pretty scary when you are 5-7 years old at the time. Like a year later, I apparently didn't learn my lesson and tried to jump into the pile of leafs. But this time I did it differently. This time I did a run, a jump, a flip, and landed sqare on my back. This time too, I got the wind knocked out of me. Since then I have never wanted to do anything fun that involves a pile of leafs. I'm too scared I will have a Colson moment and hurt myself in my lapse of stupidity.

So that's a reason I don't like the fall too much.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

The Evolution Of Colson's Hair













I was but a mere ugly caterpillar but now I am a beautiful butterfly. =)

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Waho

Of course Waho is not a hoe if that is what you are thinking. It stands for Waffle House. In my previous videos I have said some bad things about Waffle House like I would rather go to a Miley Cyrus concert where they only played annoying children's music over and over again loudly than eat a Waffle House. Well, I broke my self promise and went to a Waffle House.

The story starts the night before the Super Sweet Gathering, so it was October 24th, 2008. This was the second night Daniel(alwaystextback) and Cade(cadegoestocollege) were in Georgia. It was a vacation for all of us so we stayed up late. One of the few places open at 2 in the morning is of course, Waffle House. The night before zak, daniel, and cade went to waho without me cause i was working on a paper for school. Yargh.

Zak me its an adventure every time you go there and its true. At least, an adventure at night. The next night, right in the middle of our blogtv marathon(we were live on blogtv on cade's account for 2 straight days. I guess people like seeing daniel and cade sleep. Creepers. lol), we decide to leave to go to waho but leave the chat on. I'm still surprised how 15+ could stay in a chatroom staring at a sign that says BRB with cade's song 15 playing over and over again.

So we get to Waffle House. Immediately the boys go to the Juke Box and got six credits for the song Lets Get It On by Marvin Gaye. It was going to play over and over again but after the second time they waho staff just shut it off. I guess unlike us, they didn't want to get it on in Waffle House. We had a creepy southern lady named Billy Jo as a waitress but I knew from the moment I laid my eyes on her she would be my favorite waitress ever. And she was. The food isn't as bad as I thought it was, they waffles were actually tasty.

At first, I didn't think anything special was going to happen. When we got there, there was a black hobo trying to sleep at the counter or in a chair by the juke box. But then later when I half way done eating my chocolate chip waffle, a big group of drunken white rednecks come stomping in. Thank God for answering my prayers. I guess they come from a bar but what scared me was that they drove over to get to Waffle House. They waltz in and instantly look at cade, daniel, zak, and i. They look at us and go, " WAFFFLE HOUSE! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!". I'm not making this up. They did the devil horn, 666, rocker hand sign at us at the same time while doing it. So imagine 45 year old drunk redneck ladies and gents looking you and hollering that nonsense at you. Now let it sit in your brains.

Now out of the whole group, one guy was the most smashed. I gave him a name in my head, his name is Silly Sam. He is silly because of the way he acted when he was intoxicated. But what I didn't like from Silly Sam was that for 3 minutes he was being all up close and stupid drunk talk with my girl Billy Jo. Shame Shame Silly Sam. You don't mess with my girl Billy J.

Long story short: Waffle House powns. I'm not a regular fan of breakfast places but Waffle House past midnight is always an adventure. The boys and I laughed very hard over matters I don't remember now. By the way, Waffle House are like Starbucks here in Georgia. There are sooooo many freaking Wahos in my area of town. Rednecks can't get enough of cheap waffles 24/7 when they drink.

Waffle House. Memory Factory of Good times. =D

Friday, October 17, 2008

Useless Mascots

So I got home from school and on my counter i find a bag of "Cheeze Balls". It is a generic rip off of Cheetos obviously. Is it me or does Cheeze Balls sound like a very dirty word? So I'm eating this tasty cheesy treat when something on the bag caught my eye. There is a happy aligator on the bag.
This irritated me. What the eff does a happy smiley gator have to do with Cheese?! I doubt by looking at the bag and seeing the aligator, seeing the happy go lucky aligator on it would motivate them to purchase the treats. I don't think a real aligator has ever tasted cheese before. Unless some rednecks brought grilled cheese sandwiches or some cheetos to the bouyou(Swamp in the deep south) and it fell in the water, and while taking a nice boat ride, an businessman saw gators eating cheese and thought this would be a good idea to market. Maybe this is how the "Cheeze Balls" were invented. Buy an aligator is a redicoulous mascot.

Which leads me to the idea of other retarded-like mascots we have. Like how a tiger is trying to give me Frosted Flakes. Why would a dangerous talking tiger who would maul your face off actually allow me to want to eat corn flakes? Plus, when I was growing up, Frosted Flakes' mascot was a rooster which clearly means Tony the Tiger can't be trusted. He ate a rooster. He also adds emphasis on saying Frosted Flakes are GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEATTTTT! did he put some kind of "foreign" substance in the cereal to make it addicting?

Other strange mascots are Cap'n Crunch. For one, this guy dresses like Liberace and clearly can't spell his name correctly. What also intrigues me is that The Rabbit in the Trix is apparently too stupid to realize he can buy Trix instead of stealing from children. Actually alot of cereal ads involve theft. This one of the reasons I don't eat cereal. They don't taste good and give children a bad message with the senseless mascots.

So the moral of the story is.....................................................................I don't think there is no moral.
Except don't eat Cheeze Balls. After 15 minutes, you get a bad cheesy taste in your mouth.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

In Shia We Trust.........

First off, with a name like Shia. The person will either be a super hermit home-schooled weirdo or a super cool action funny guy who saves the world all the time. If you picked the second one, you are thinking of Shia Labeouf. Why is his weird last name so hard to spell? I bet it's french. Grrrrr The French!

Anyway, I have noticed alot of things. Shia has lately in past movies is saving us from something. He saved us from alien robots destroying the planet in Transformers. He saved us from a serial killer in Disturbia. He saved us from a jerk surfer in Surfs Up. He saved teenage criminals from a digging holes in the Texas desert to find a treasure for a crooked warden in Holes. He saved his family from a phony boleny with musturd on top reality tv show in The Even Stevens Movie. For the record, Evens Stevens was frickin awesome! Clearly a show ahead of its time in the golden years of disney channel with awesome original movies like Brink and Jumping Ship. Now disney is crap. Btw, does anyone else remember Zoog Disney and shows like The Famous Jet Jackson and The Jersey.

I'm off topic. Back to Shia. He saved us from aliens and The Soviets in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I think they want shia to take Indy's place since Harrison Ford is like 65 years old or something. That is a scary thought. The great name of Indiana Jones will be tarnished even more if Mutt(aka Shia) is the new Indy.

Shia also saves us from the "Eagle Eye". I saw the movie and it was pretty good. I snuck in the theatre just because I wanted to save money. Do I owe shia money or something? When i saw the movey, there were alot of other C list celebrities who have small parts in it. Billy Bob Thorton is in it, so is Jeff Garlend, Shia of course, the lead singer of Buckcherry, and I'm sure there are some others but I missed them. I laughed at Billy Bob for trying to play a FBI agent.

I wonder what shia will save us from in the future? I know Transformers 2 is coming out but its a sequal. There is a 50% chance it will be lame. I think Shia will save us from drug dealers or something like Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon. It's funny how a goofy funny kid named Louis Stevens turns into a serious beard-baring action saving the world stud.

Move over Bruce Willis. It is Shia's turn to shine!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Enter the Matrix

So today in Algebra 2 I got to use the fancy pants graphing calculator, class set addition. While I was fiddling around and not paying attention(I should pay attention more, I got a 76 in that class), I came across something. There was this application that said Matrix. Now, I tried seeing the movie the matrix(the first one) on two separate occasions, I fell asleep twice at the same part. The part where the agents captured that one smart black dude Morpheus. I press enter on the Matrix application not knowing what will happen.

I was hoping that Neo and/or Morpheus would make my math classroom portable explode or a part of it was ripped off in a wild and crazy hurricane, then Morpheus and/or Neo would fly like Superman in the classroom to get me. I didn't finish the first movie or ever watch the others so I have no idea what happens to Morpheus or Neo. So I was anxious waiting for something to happen like agents burst in to capture me and reveal that the reality I know is a lie. Then suddenly to be rescued by revolutionaries in the future in the Nebukazzer.

But sadly, the screen on my calculator that could be my gateway to the real world kepting saying "Waiting.........waiting.........waiting..........". I guess I will never know what would have happened. I could be the next Keanue Reaves.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Jo Bro Syndrome

So if you don't already know already. I like the Jonas Brothers' music. Although I didn't like Love Bug at the VMAs or Burning up. The unisex version of songs that the Jo Bros have like That's the Way We Roll are good. Burning Up is a song just designed for the 97% girls audience. My favorite Bro is Kevin. I actually once while walking into a Blockbuster with some friends said very loudly, " Kevin Jonas is my hero!". About the time I finished my sentenced, 3 attractive girls walked past me and burst out laughing. I don't know why people don't like Kevin. He is the glue to the group. He makes the others look good by being really ugly and having no singing ability(I realized they turn off his mic at the shows). He must be the best guitarist out of the Bros but it would be ironic and funny if Nick was better. I wonder if their little brother when he becomes older will be the 4th Bro and play drums or play the keyboard(or the keytar).

Usually when I tell people I like the Bros, they look at me like I have a horse's butt for a face. Today a guy on my bus heard me say I like the Jonas Brothers and he said, " Alright, give up your man card to me. "
I replied, " I don't know............it's pretty big." I don't know if that made sense or not. I'm just random and strange manboy.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Men Should Wear Bras

So my mind was being random today at school so I pieced together the following:

Purple. Sounds like nurple. Nurple means purple nipple. Which is caused by twisting the pectoral chest area. Men often give eachother nurples because if they did it to girls, it would be considered sexual harassment. It's not possible for girls to give eachother nurples because they have the proctection of a padded bra. Men should have a brassiere to protect themselves against the pain of getting a "titty twister". But only fat men are able to wear bras because they have a boobie size big enough for one. They should be ok with it because if they are really obese, they have just stopped caring. Why don't I see more fat men on the streets wearing bras?

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Canadian Hunter

Hola everyone. Como estas? That is spanglish for hello everyone, whats up?!
anyway, i thought it was a good idea to talk about a certain subject I adore very much.
I practically made it a sport myself. I call it Canadian Bashing. You see, I am from the great state of Washington. That is washington state, not DC. Everytime someone asks me if I'm from DC i feel like smacking a melted slab of chocolate on their faces and eating the delicious chocolate right in front of their faces to watch them suffer. Any, while I spend every summer there, I usually find some Canadian people. Usually it happens at my christian bible overnight co-ed summer camp. The camp has week sessions and I go a week out of my summer there. Usually I get one canadia-an in my cabin(we actually sleep in bunks in wood cabins with a tarp for a door and sleep in sleeping bags with a max of 10 guys). But this year I got lucky, I had 4 Canadia-ans. I was a happy guy. Plus we had a small cabin composed of 6 guys counting me.

Now, during this time. I made as many Canada jokes as possible. I don't hate canadians, one my best buds that i met there(who looked exactly like Ryan aka RyRy158 except the guys we total opposites). It was fun when he would play along with the jokes. Some of the jokes were like when they pulled out there Canadian coloured money, I would say stuff like, "Where did you get the monopoly money?" "So is your pet beaver named Chuck?" " I'm soarry but I don't know what you are talking aboot, eh?". ANd the list continues.

Also I go to Canada every year to go to the waterslides. Before we crossed the border, i had to stop to get an energy drink. My little brother's friend asked me if I was going to pay with Canadian loonies. I just responded, " NO. I'm using REAL money." He found it quite funny.

I should be giving Canadia-ans a break but they are just too fun to mess with. It's kind of like a guilty pleasure. And the weird part is that I'm a %25 Canadian.

This is all I have to say on my first public blog. I hope you enjoyed it.