Sunday, September 18, 2011

Good Will Hunting



Brief summary: When professors discover that an aimless janitor is also a math genius, a therapist helps the young man confront the demons that are holding him back.

So I watched this movie cause I get hounded by everyone and their mother when they find out I have never seen this movie before. I"m currently 19 old. There are many movies out there, I wish I could spend all my time watching them but I have other things that further my life on this planet. Like school and a part time job. I know I'm gonna like this movie.

One part I like in particular is a scene where this douche bag college student tries to humiliate Ben Affleck with his Harvard Wits. But it's Ben Affleck so no one really has to try hard. I have met so many pseudo-intellectual douches out there like this character. It frustrates me so much. I completed 4 AP classes in high school and AP classes are filled to the brim with monkeys who think they are geniuses because they can memorize some facts and recite it on cue. Anyone can study. We have taught gorillas how to do sign language. Apes don't communicate fully to the extent that we do, but they usually do one word signs to get what they want. "Banana", "water", "doll". Things like that. Now the AP kids think they are smart. Some are actually smart, some are just good memorizers. Intelligence is the ability to learn AND think for yourself. Thinking for themselves is where a lot of these kids fall short. If you could think for yourself, you wouldn't listen to what the adults in public schools would tell you. You could listen to the information. Process it. But everything else they say is just mundane. I'm probably preaching to the choir here. Long story short for this paragraph, the smart people are idiots.

Matt Damon is so baller.
He can fight, he is smart, he didn't have to try and he was given a very attractive woman's number. He calls people out on their BS. He trolls therapist. Matt Damon is good in my book.

Next up, Robin Williams! He has a beard in this movie. Beards can make almost anything cooler. 1800s mustaches and mountain man beards are prime man facial hair styles.

Manly.

This movie makes me want to do one or two things. One thing is to go up to people and say, "It's not your fault." This would really confuse strangers. Waiting on the bus, business man to the right of me is reading his kindle. He wants to read the classics, he is reading Oliver Twist. I turn to him and say "it's not your fault." He says "what?". I say, "it's not your fault." End of conversation. I know that will live with him forever. He goes home from work, his wife/husband(I don't judge him nor rule out the possibility he might be a homosexual.) asks him how was his day, he says "Some strange kid on the train said it's not your fault. I'm very creeped out." He can't sleep at night because he has to figure out what bad things have happened in his life that weren't his fault. He'll start to think they are his fault. Then the image of me turning to him and "saying it's not your fault" will show up in a flash back all over again. He'll be in such mental stress and wonder. He'll never solve the mystery. All because of one little phrase that didn't mean anything when I said it, but it meant everything to him when he heard it.

Reminds me of in middle school and early high school when I turned to someone and said, "Don't worry about it." They wanted to know what not to worry about. I in turned replied, "Don't worry about it." So it begins.

The title is called Good Will Hunting. I'm not sure this is grammatically correct. He is not good, Superman does good. Good Will Hunting sounds right. But it seems like Well Will Hunting might be correct. I am not grammar nazi nor wizard nor genius nor any other adjective to describe my point I'm making. Just for fun, it could be call Well Will Whunting. It wouldn't have won any oscars with a name like that cause no one would have taken it seriously. Nothing shouldn't be taken seriously. I shouldn't be taken seriously. This blog shouldn't be taken seriously. Ben Affleck shouldn't be taken seriously.

Thank God Ben Affleck didn't show up all the time in this movie. Matt Damon is definitely the break out star. He later becomes Jason Bourne.

I like this movie for many reasons. Robin Williams beard, it reassures me that it's good to be smart, and a great story. Robin Williams is a better serious actor then he is comic actor. Not that I didn't enjoy Flubber. It was a staple movie of my youth. But him in Good Will Hunting and World's Greatest Dad really stick out to me. He was a force behind his voice. He also has a very macho moment when he almost killed Will by strangling him. Robin Williams will choke a bitch if he has too.


Saturday, September 17, 2011

Moulin Rouge



Brief summary:
The year is 1899, and Christian, a young English writer, has come to Paris to follow the Bohemian revolution taking hold of the city's drug and prostitute infested underworld. And nowhere is the thrill of the underworld more alive than at the Moulin Rouge, a night club where the rich and poor men alike come to be entertained by the dancers, but things take a wicked turn for Christian as he starts a deadly love affair with the star courtesan of the club, Satine. But her affections are also coveted by the club's patron: the Duke. A dangerous love triangle ensues as Satine and Christian attempt to fight all odds to stay together but a force that not even love can conquer is taking its toll on Satine


From the title of the movie, it sounded French to me. Ha-zah! I was correct. Without seeing the name, I thought the movie would feature people who didn't bathe, cheese and begets and snails, and complained all the time. But it's not safe for me to make fun of the French. I once was named the Twitter jerk of the Day for making fun of an Air France flight that went "missing" over the Ocean. I thought they were lost, not dead. Excuse me for giving the French who fly planes the benefit of the doubt.

You would think this movie is for women being that is very popular among women. It's quite the opposite. This movie is for DUDES. Within the first 3 minutes of the film, I find out that Ewan McGregor stars in the movie. Obi Wan Kenobi is in this movie. DO YOU KNOW HOW COOL THAT IS?! He can hang around anywhere, have a French man stumble into his life, and train him into a Jedi Knight. The only draw back is that the French Man would turn evil and Ewan would have to train the Frenchman's son into a Jedi Knight as well to kill the father Frenchman. Maybe it's just a good idea not to have any Jedis in France to begin with.

Ewan spends the whole movie at his desk writing about the Moulin Rouge and cutting back to flashbacks. He is doing so with a wife beater on and suspenders. I've seen the trend in old timey movies or movies where people are dressed in old timey clothes where men are wearing wife beaters AND suspenders. They are half way getting undressed, the formal shirt is off. Do they really care if the pants stay up? Hell! I say a real man is someone who can walk around his house with no pants on without a care in the world. Women feel free to do the same. Being comfortable without pants will set you free.

This movie has everything you want. It has dwarfs, not the Lord of the Ring kind. Hold your sadness. Just because they aren't mining in the mountains for valuable minerals, doesn't make them any less cool. This is a normal midget type little person. The dwarf is hanging out with people who are dressed like circus folk and wear top hats. People are wearing top hats. Ewan is wearing a top hat. If you're not sold by the fact that Ewan McGregor is wearing a top hat, check your pulse. You're probably not breathing. Top hats, men with mustaches, and pretty and sexy dancing women. What more could you want?!

This movie sings songs popular throught out American pop culture in the 20th century.
For instance:
The hills are alive with the sound of music- I expected Nazis to march in the movie and search to kill for Julie Andrews and her family.
Diamonds Are a Girl's Best friend - I expect Marilyn Monroe to have to spend the whole movie pushing down her dress because it inconveniently keeps lifting up and becomes a burden.
Smells like teen spirit - I expected Kurt Cobain to walk into the shot with a shotgun and shoot himself in the head.

Most of my expectations about the film have not been fulfilled. No nazis, no kurt, and no marilyn.


But I did not expect to be blown away and turned on by Nicole Kidman so much. She would go crazy over a man speaking poetry. Just imagine how turned on she would be if I read Harry Potter aloud. I'm thinking of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Instead of saying Harry Potter, I say my name. Instead of Ron Weasley, it's replaced with Nicole Kidman. So it's Nicole Kidman, Hermione, and I all together in the Chamber of Secrets. Magic would happen in the Chamber no doubt after the Basilisk is unleashed.

Speaking of Harry Potter, the actor who played Professor Slughorn is in this movie. I'm overjoyed and scared at the same time. One, Voldemort might show up. Two, Harry might show up as well. Since they are wizards and magic, I assume they can transcend different stories and movies. Anything is possible for a wizard...or Ewan McGregor.

I may have a hetero dude crush on Ewan. He is a ladies man no doubt. Great singer, poetic, has an accent. I'm not gay but wouldn't it be weird to find out you were gay by a movie with Ewan McGregor? Comedian Louis CK said he has never had a reason not suck a dick. It's funnier when you hear Louis said it but he mentioned he was at an awards show and saw Ewan McGregor there. He said was a such a beautiful man. Louic CK also said if he would ever give oral pleasure to any man in the world, it would be Ewan. Just dive right in there. Both C.K. and I agree that Ewan is pretty suave and swanky swag. Know this about Swanky Swag, Hilary Swank does not have it. Just cause your name is Swank, doesn't mean you get Swanky Swag by default.

I want to hire someone(I would pay them sweat shop wages because I'm on a budget) to count all the times the word "love" is mentioned. There is a scene where the star crossed lovers are on top of a building shaped like an elephant and singing love songs. The whole movie is a love story bent on reminding you it's all about love. The characters love each other. Love shall overcome. Love finds a way. Love this, love that. Love, love, love, love , love. This movie is totally hardcore on the love factor. It's like a love rollercoaster instead of a tunnel of love.

I've never actually been on a tunnel of love. No one to go with at this time in my life(Forever alone) and most carnivals I've been to don't have a tunnel of love. But they do have a lot of scary carnies. That's not the same at all. A arrow from cupid is not the same as a switchblade from a carnival employee.

If you're not in love or in a relationship like Nicole and Ewan, Moulin Rouge will stick it in your face how alone and single you are. It's both a brilliant and sad at the same time. I found myself wishing I had a girlfriend to watch this with and to make out in my basement during the movie. This is the proper way to watch Moulin Rouge. Not alone, never alone. Only together alone.

Rango



Movie Premise:
The story follows the comical, transformative journey of Rango (Depp), a sheltered chameleon living as an ordinary family pet, while facing a major identity crisis. After all, how high can you aim when your whole purpose in life is to blend in? When Rango accidentally winds up in the gritty, gun-slinging town of Dirt -- a lawless outpost populated by the desert's most wily and whimsical creatures -- the less-than-courageous lizard suddenly finds he stands out. Welcomed as the last hope the town has been waiting for, new Sheriff Rango is forced to play his new role to the hilt...until, in a blaze of action-packed situations and encounters with outrageous characters, Rango starts to become the hero he once only pretended to be.

At one point in the movie, there is an angry mob outside of the sheriff's house/jailhouse/wherever sheriff's in the old west reside. I've always wanted to be a part of an angry mob. I imagine an angry mob in England would just turn out to be a crowd of people who refuse to use manners, like say please and thank you. But I want to be a part of an angry mob where people didn't know what they were angry about. "I just bought bananas fresh and green yesterday and now they are brown! I'm very angry!". And the like, they are like Christmas Carolers who show up to your door step to shout at you why they are angry. Instead of sleigh bells to help boost the christmas cheer, the angry mobbers have pitchforks, torches, and blind fury.

One of the main conflicts in Rango is the town Rango wanders into and becomes a part of is THERE IS NO WATER. Living in America and having more than I need, I cannot relate. We have so much in America, we refuse to bathe. It's not because we have no water that some of us don't bathe, it's because of sheer laziness. That is freedom right there. Not really, but that's what I tell myself. Whenever a character in a story is starving or dying of thirst, I take the liberty to get up and eat or drink something during. Kind of like those people who eat junk food while watching the Biggest Loser. My friend gave me an idea while I read this book(The Hunger Games) where the main character is dying of dehydration in a battle of survival and to the death with other contestants in the woods. The idea was to stop reading the book, get up, go to the faucet in the bathroom, turn it on, STARE AT THE WATER FOR 30 SECONDS, NOT drink it, turn it off, and go back to reading the book where the character is DYING because of lack of water. Just cause I can.

Animals can talk in this movie and have human characteristics. That is fine. But WHY are the owls who serve as a mariachi band and narrators MEXICAN! You couldn't find another other animal to be more of a random choice to characters a member of an ethnicity than owls? It would have been racist to choose a chihuahua to be the mexican characters in the movie but it's just plain bonkers to choose owls. A raven is the Indian/Native American(First Nations to you Canadians). Why we are at it, why not have a character that is from Asia be a bear! No....not a panda bear. Make it a koala bear. Yeah, in the desert. Building a railroad. Doesn't make sense does it? Good. Now you get my confusion about why the mexican characters are owls.

The film is a great western. We don't get too many westerns now a days. True Grit and Rango are the only westerns that have come to my attention in a while. The film has some pretty BA(when I say BA, I mean badass. Makes the censoring counterproductive don't you think) moments. Clint Eastwood makes an appearance. Not only is motherfucking Clint Eastwood in the movie, he can talk to animals. He had a conversation with Rango. Rango is a lizard. All the animals I have ever tried to talk to have never talked back. You start talking to the animals as a kid, you stop when you're an adult because they never talk back. Even crazy pet people who talk to their pets, there pets never talk back. NOT FOR CLINT EASTWOOD! When you're the Man With No Name, you can do anything.

When watching this movie, you feel like you're on acid in a desert and the whole desert came to life. I wouldn't recommend this movie to people on acid. Rango is too dangerous for drug users. But it is safe enough for children. IRONIC. AND it's rated PG!

An evil snake in this movie has a mustache. Mustaches can make anything cool. Look at Gene Shalit.

Pretty cool, right? The mustache is making me like the unlikable character of Jake the Snake.

All in all, this movie is pretty swag.

New Direction of this Blog

I've entertained the idea of blogging my thoughts about movies I see. Maybe putting down my thoughts about movies will help encourage me to watch more movies. I do need to watch more movies. These won't be movie reviews nor criticisms. Just ramblings of the mind. Enjoy.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Thoughts that keep me up at night

-Say you meet a serial killer, but he refuses to eat your Cap'n Crunch. Awkward...

- What do you do if you meet a mouse, but he wants a cookie, but he's a diabetic?

- How do you feel about a meeting a dolphin that is low on endorphins so it kills itself?

- Say you meet a bear who can't go up stairs because them Chinese fellers cut off his legs?

- What if you meet a well-endowed pianoist? (Think about it)

- What if my box of Fruity Pebbles came out of the closet?

- Does the flesh eating virus eat the penis too?

- What if you're white but you can't use your wit?

- What if Finland was underwater? Then it would just be Fin.

- What if we lost NewFoundLand?

- Can Kennedy do the Can-Can???

- What if I caught a butterfly and ate it with my toast? I still have a fly in my toast.

- It'd be funny if they combined The Oregon Trail and the Trail of Tears into a game. Then white people would feel guilty every time someone got dysentery.

- I imagined that if Americans say "FOR NARNIA!", then there are Narnians yelling "FOR 'MURICUH!".

- A lifeguard should be called a pool guard. If he was a lifeguard, he would follow me around.

- Do tires ever get tired of tiresome tire jokes? Or do the tire jokes fall flat?

- Toronto backwards is Otnorot. Canada backwards is Adanac. America backwards is Canada.

- Walmart needs to sell marts from now on.

- A cat's cartharsis is meowing really loudly.

- If Ed can edit, can I Colsonit?

- In Harry Potter, I never expected their spells, "EXPECTO POTRONUM". So I renamed it, "SURPRISE-O POTRONUM".

- A t-shirt is named that because it looks like a T. I think that is bs. It looks like a shirt, not a letter.

- If the cat has my tongue, what does the dog have? Whatever it is, I hope I don't have to use it until the next time I see him.

- If a computer comprimises it's morals, it's complicated.

- Who is Lando? And why can't people make up their minds about him. I only say Orlando if I'm giving options. If I'm saying mentioning a list of places, I say Andlando.

- If I were Latino and looking at a map of Canada, I think the map was asking me a question when I read "Qu├ębec".

- If I am being mindblown, there should be a fan. It'd be much more efficient.

- Can chocolate to be on time?

- It'd be cool if "Chance" was Jackie Chan's middle name. Jackie Chance Chan. Call him Jackie Chan-Chan. Or Chan-Chan. Or Chan for short.

- Lip sounds like ship and you're in trouble if both are busted.

- If you don't do anything splendid, then it is splenuncomplete.

- I want to invent a robot(Bot) and name him Tom. We would be friends and have sleep overs. We would sleep on my bunk bed. Guess which bunk Bot Tom will be sleeping?

- I never tell people I'm getting dressed, dresses are for girls.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

A Film Review Paper on the Band of Brothers

I wrote this for my WWII class.


Did you know that few of the Band of Brothers were actual brothers,
but they were like brothers? They held together like a band. This band
was not made of rubber; it was made with deep respect and camaraderie.
Steven Allan Spielberg was born December 18, 1946. Thomas Jeffrey
“Tom” Hanks was born July 9, 1956. Band of Brothers HBO mini-series
came out on September 9, 2001. Coincidence?! I think not. Together
they produced the hit mini-series Band of Brothers, serving as
executive producers. The budget for the show was approximately $125
million. Wow! What could you do with that much money? If you’re Tom
Hanks, you can make the Band of Brothers series tastefully and
successfully well. I would use the money to buy myself a house that I
would stock up with arcade games, like Pinball and Pacman machines,
and as well as soda pop and bubble gum. I would try to woo women to
hang out with me in my arcade like the G.I.s tried to woo the fraulein
in Germany and Holland with chocolate and cigarettes. Surprisingly
enough, the band of brothers isn’t a musical band at all. I could
picture them being the American Led Zeppelin. Playing their mighty
instruments and kick butt riffs across Europe.
The film is actually an addendum to the film Saving Private Ryan. The
two producers got together and shot it the same style with the same
production team for Band of Brothers as they did with Saving Private
Ryan. The Band of Brothers film is actually gracious enough to
reference private Ryan in an episode. Some of the actors acting in the
film is Friend’s David Schwimmer who is popular for playing the role
of Ross. In Band of Brothers, Schwimmer plays the infamous and often
mediocre Captain Sobel. The acting job was mediocre for a mediocre
character, so I guess it fits. I didn’t know that Ross never aged. He
goes from living in Toccoa, Georgia to train Easy Company then after
the war lays low for awhile to appear in the 90s in New York with his
goofy friends. But the movie is still good despite to strange casting
choices, like Colin Hanks. The only reason Colin Hanks was in Band of
Brothers was because his Dad was executive producer and not because of
his acting “talent”. Colin played Lieutenant Henry Jones, badly I
might add. Damian Lewis did a phenomenal job of capturing the essence
of Major Dick Winters and how much of a great man as well as a great
leader. Ron Livingston also did admirable job for his role as Captain
Lewis Nixon. Though Nixon should have drank more. You can never go
wrong with too much alcohol. If I was directing I would have Nixon
stop in the midst of D-Day to pull out a frosty cold brew, maybe a
Budweiser or a Coors, and savor the taste in the heat of battle. It
would definitely be a memorable scene no doubt. Creative licensing
allows me to diverge away from the book, which the movie is based
upon, into my own interpretation of World War II.
I did enjoy the film, it was enticing and the audience believed the
men were as real as they can get. It was a nice brief glimpse into
history of what life was like back then and that war is Hell. They
forgot to mention the part where the Germans had flume water slides
and the Americans wanted to take over Germany to have some fun with
the best water slides the world had to offer in 1945. The action
sequences are cool as ice and one grows attached to the men of Easy by
seeing them struggle and toughen because of their circumstances. The
film is a memoriam to the brave men who fought in the Second World War
and also a very patriotic piece. They gave their lives for the life,
liberty, and pursuit of happiness for the American people. They
weren’t like the lazy British who stopped their tank advances because
it was tea time. The film inspires the viewer into believing that
ordinary people can achieve extraordinary measures, if they work
together. If I had to grade the film like the grade I’m going to get
for this paper: A++. I loved every minute of it, even the terrible
acting.
I advise everyone who is interested in a good story and good action
sequences to see Band of Brothers. They aren’t brothers, but they are
closer than brothers!

tl;dr I’m very sarcastic and insecere to my teachers

Saturday, June 5, 2010

The Legend of The Phallic Snow Sculpture

"Buddy-Buddy" Pose


Behold it's Glory


"American Gothic" Style



It was a blustery day in the 100 Acre Woods......errrr.....wrong story. Hold on.....'Twas a snowy day in the South. In Georgia is where our story takes place. Rarely will it snow. The South has notorious for it's heat. So when you get snow, you better be mighty thankful. If you're lucky, it may snow for a day once or twice a year. Many kids have never seen a snowflake up close in there lives. Something was happening this winter cause Georgia experienced many "snow storms". Maybe God was on our side this time and answered a wish or something.

Our story's hero is from the North; Bellingham, Washington to be exact. Fun fact about Bellingham, Death Cab For Cutie is from Bellingham. Our hero, Colson, is a pretty big fan of the band and looks up to Ben Gibbard, lead singer of Death Cab for Cutie. Since Colson is a child of the Great North, he grew up with snow. He missed snow very much in the dry, barren, temperate South. When he wakes up to snow outside, the angels cry out and rejoice in a chorus of Hallelujahs.

UNFORTUNATELY! The county in which he resided in saw the snow BUT chose to have school on that day. THE FOOLS! When there is ever snow, schools must close down for the sake of their students. Everyone needs a day off. Kids can be kids and play. Adults get to do whatever adults do, but away from school. Even though the jerks behind the desks in the school's administration didn't call of school due to snow, they couldn't crush the spirit of The Student Body. Throughout every lunch period and between classes, there were massive snow ball fights. Also some students carried snowballs into classrooms to throw at their friends and run away. Colson was one of the people. He also witness a group of Sophomore boys bring a snowman into a classroom to surprise their teacher. Needless to say, she was surprised.

School was nearing to a close, but no one could get enough of the snow. Colson waited by his bus to throw snowballs at everyone getting on his bus. Oh did this boy love his shenanigans or what. When he gets home with his little brother, his litle brother has an idea. His foolish brother had the idea to build a snowman. Colson, being an innovative genius has a different idea. How do you one up a snowman? MAKE A GIANT SNOW PENIS! And that's exactly what they did.

They first started off with creating the large snow testicles then the shaft. The whole process of creating this lovely piece of art took around 2 1/2 to 3 hours to create. The creation belonged to Colson. It was his brainchild. He labored heavily on this masterpiece. Things like this don't just come along every day. IT WAS ART! The sculpture stood at a whopping 5 foot 7 inches. Colson used his little brother for measurements. As soon as the masterpiece was bigger than Caleb, it would be complete. When he completed it, he was proud. He accomplished a great thing.

Colson spent the hours in the rest of the day watching the Snow Penis, admiring his work but also guarding it. He feared the neighbors might not understand the incredibility of this piece of art and take matters into their own hands. He grew anxious that it would get destroyed by a pious neighbor. The neighbors all have small children in preschool or elementary school. It's doubtful that they knew what the sculpture was. One by one, members of Colson's family came home. His older brother Zach congratulated him, his best friend AJ wished he was there to help with the construction of the sculpture, his mom thought it was was shocking, and his sister was a very large female dog about it and wanted to destroy with her own hands. Now Colson had to protect it against his evil conniving sister. She was freaking out about it, oh how conservative she is! She felt it was embarrassing. She worried what the neighbors would think. Oh woe is me, She does not understand true art!!!

So Colson's father comes home. It has become dark now. The night has cloaked the great Phallic Sculpture so the untrained eye could not identify it as a Snow Penis. The father walked inside, said, "Oh, you guys made a snowman. Cool.", and thought nothing more of it....UNTIL! Colson's sister had to make a scene about the masterpiece. She told the father to look at it a little closer. "IT'S A PENIS!", she screamed. Colson's father thought it was funny but as a father, he has to say it's wrong. He has to pretend he doesn't like it even though he sees the hilarity of sculpture. Colson's father ordered the little brother to destroy the sculpture. The little brother lept to opportunity and grabbed a baseball bat.

HE beat Colson's Penis down with a baseball bat. His great art accomplishment. Colson's dream was shattered. Colson wanted Snow Penis to last all night. He wanted it freeze overnight and so the Snow Penis would be around for a very long time. Colson felt very attached to his work. He will never forget the time he spent with his Phallic sculpture. They will always have those few hours spent together.

Snow Penis was Colson's Statue of David. It was a penis. Nothing homosexual about it. Every single human being on this Earth will see a naked penis at least one in their life. What is so wrong about it? God created it in his image. The human body is a beautiful thing, not something to be ashamed of. The large 5' 7'' tall Penis was a tribute to the beauty of God's creations.

People don't understand art.......that and why having a very large life-like Snow Penis in your front yard is HILARIOUS!

Friday, May 28, 2010

Teeth

I love movies. I love the cinema and watching the like. But there is just one movie I feel is a crime against the art of film. No my dear reader, I am not talking about a Wayans Brother's movie, Twilight, Tyler Perry movie, or something else like those. I talking about the movie: TEETH.


If you haven't seen the movie, DON'T, for the love of God, SEE THIS MOVIE! To summarize it, girl is born with Vagina Tentata, which means she has teeth in her vagina. She discovers she has a Klaptrap(Donkey kong reference! You like?) in between her legs and she becomes this superhero with the power to cut men's dicks when she is having sexual intercourse with them. I have seen the Saw movies. I have watched Hostel. I have seen some pretty violent and gruesome stuff in my day. I am desensitized pretty greatly. But this movie just made me squirm. It makes me not trust any woman around me. It makes me fear a woman's vagina. Just like after seeing Jaws audiences were afraid to go in the water, well the same goes for me and vaginas. Public schools should show this for abstinence classes because it is more effective than any STD short film they could show.


What I find very sick and twisted about the movie posters is the phrase "Every Rose has it's thorn." I'm pretty sure when I go through a garden of roses, those roses don't hack off me wee-wee in a snap. The movie is so demented. Without the three major Chain-chop(Another nintendo reference, I am on a roll!) vagina scenes which are vile acts against nature, the plot sucks. Much of the movie is anticipating the girl decapitating the head of a man's penis. THIS FILM ACTUALLY HAS A 82% FRESH RATING ON ROTTEN TOMATOES! IT WON A SUNDANCE FILM FESTIVAL AWARD! I am losing faith in humanity.

It's suppose to be a dark comedy film. Whoever finds this shit hysterically amusing needs to check their head. This has to be the darkest thing that only demons and the Devil himself could find funny. Now women seem to find this movie not only humorous but also empowering. Teeth is a feminist movie more than horror one could say. Well women! You fail to see the big picture. Since women do not have a package consisting of a pair of testicles and a penis, they fail to see what is so gruesome about this film.

Teeth dives into what every man fears. Women have internal sex organs so their shit is pretty secure. Men on the otherhand, have everything out front in one area. We are very cautious of that groin area. When it gets hit lightly, the pain of getting hit in the balls is indescribable. It starts off slow and sticks around. It's hurts and leaves you sick for an hour. The package of a man is very sensitive, very important, and very fragile. The sex organ of a man is what makes a man a man. It's a crime of nature to rob him of that. Men fear losing their penises(or is the spelling penai, like cactai?) more than anything. Ask an inmate who is on Death Row if they could choose by getting their dick chomped off or choose capital punishment like the electric chair, most likely they'll choose the electric chair.

I don't view Teeth as art. I see it as an abomination. I honestly think it gives women ideas that if they want to get revenge on a man, they'll just cut off his dick with a knife or something. It's happened before and the public has forgotten about it. Now this movie comes waltzing around and puts terrible and horrific ideas into impressionable women. It's best for society and MANkind to prevent anyone else from seeing this movie.

Every rose has it's thorn. Bret Michaels, you should be ashamed of writing that song. Not only is it a cliche 80s ballad but also it gives sick, demented verbal irony to a sick, demented movie.

You don't mess with the penis!

Monday, May 24, 2010

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Would you rather: Harry Potter or Pokemon?

So my friends like to play the "Would you rather game"...alot. Usually the two options have to do with a combination extremely disgusting things and perverse acts. Not that I mind these options...... but usuallly these things are nothing special. I would like some special. So recently my friend asked me something that was so unique, genuine, and phresh that I have to spend some time contemplating on it.This is a special question that is both awesome and clean.




Would you rather have our currently reality like the one in Pokemon and have pokemon or the one in Harry Potter and do magic???????




These two options leave me in between a rock and a hard place. First off, I'm huge fan boys of both of them. I've read all the Harry Potter books at least two times each, some of them 5 times such as Goblet of Fire and Prisoner of Askaban. I constantly keep my friends on their toes and vice versa with constant Harry Potter trivia.




QUICK!


How many moving staircases are there in Hogwarts?






Answer: 142




One of my items on my "Bucket List" is to be in the same room with or meet Daniel Radcliffe, J.K. Rowling, or other members of the "H-pitty" cast.




I also even made a youtube video based on actual conversations with my best friend AJ, for Harry Potter. It's titled HP Nerd Fight.



I have imagined what normal day would be like if we all could do magic. To consider this would you rather, we are going to take all the principal characters out of the equation. Magic would be so sweet. Problems would be solved easier and magic doesn't cost that much money like machines do . Magic can fix bridges, transport people, and other benefits would include having a more exciting sport, Quidditch. The only sport I have come to really love is ultimate frisbee. I'm not a very sporty person. I find little in interest in other sports. So! If we had Quidditch, it would replace baseball and become the new national past time in America. That's just how we do in AMerica!

Almost everthing would improve ideally. Think of magic multiplying everything in life times 10. So terrorism, like Voldemort's Death Eaters, would be multiplied by 10 but then our attack force to stopping it would be times 10 so it balances each other out. We would have to need to fly on airplanes, instead we can visit friends in an instant and Apparate. You save money and time. Your friendships grow stronger cause you guys can visit from long distance more often. Bad news, your relatives can visit more often too. =/ Wizard candy, I imagine, is 10 times better then any candy we have in the world. I could try a Pumpkin Pasty and Butterbeer and Fizzing Wizzbees. Muggle things are boring and adding magic makes things exciting. You wouldn't need to get up to change the television channels or get up to get the remote , you can just pull out your wand and it comes flying towards you. I don't know about you, but ever since I have seen Star Wars or Harry Potter, I have tried to get the remote to come flying towards me via Accio spell or Force Pull......I am still unsuccessful. I have also not received my letter on my 11th birthday for Hogwarts and that makes me very sad, even today at the ripe age of 17, where I am legally allowed to do magic now!....if I could do any.



ON THE OTHER HAND! I asked my friends what they think. They commented that if you suck at magic in Harry Potter, you are very useless. Which if you think about it, its true. You try to fly a broom but you fall off from 50 feet and your head gets shoved into your chest. A spell could backfire and hit you. YOu make a sucky potion that kills you. SO many possibilities of dying in the world of Harry POtter.

ONE MORE THING! If you want to do something fun, you need money. It sucks for the poor people. A freaking wand costs 10 galleons. If you want a broom stick, you have to fork over a huge butt load of money. If gold is your currency, the price of everything sky rockets. My friends also agree that things become more dangerous in Harry Potter. You can have one man and his followers undermine an entire government system. Everyone can learn magic so they could possibly kill you with magic in some indirect way. My friend Elex said it was a retarded way to die by getting hit with a green light. And I don't know about you, but when I die, I want to die in a BADASS way, not getting hit with a flashlight light thats green.

People try to play Quidditch in the non magical world. They look freaking retarded. Part of the reason Quidditch is SUPPOSE to be fun is because of how dangerous it actually is. You can fall 100 feet in the air if you get hit by a Bludger. You have to race at 75 or more mphs. It's meant to be an intense game. Brooms make it fun cause everyone has the ambition to fly. Everyone wants to fly. Now the Muggle adaption, mostly played in College, is you are on Broomsticks.....on the ground. One hand always has to be holding a broomstick while you run around. So essentially you have to waddle around like a ginormious toolbag idiot. The snitch is attached to Snitch runner's socks. Bludgers are dodgeballs. Does this all sound gay to you because this sounds pretty fucking gay to me.


THE OTHER OPTION PROVIDED IS POKEMON.

Being a child of the 90s, I too grew up watching the original Pokemon. I would play the gameboy games. Out of the first three options of Yellow version, Red version, and Blue Version, I chose Blue version every time. Then Silver version. Then Saphire version. Then I stopped playing the games I believe cause I could never ever ever ever ever ever beat the League 4. I hated Yellow version for the very reason that you started out with Pikachu and it takes a very very very very very extremely long time to defeat Brock, the 1st gym leader with Rock pokemon. ALL PIKACHU COULD DO WAS TACKLE HIM AND IT TOOK FUCKING FOREVER TO DEFEAT ONE GEODUDE!!!!! That's why a smart person like myself would always start out with Squirtle to defeat Brock with ease. Though sometimes I am far from smart in the Pokemon world. I would always play for hours but never beat the League 4. If I was lucky I could be the 3rd member, then all my Pokemon's health would be drained and the 4th member would kill me. When I would get home from school growing up when the original series came out, I would rush home from to watch Pokemon. I tried to name all 150 and came pretty darn close.

When they give you the option of naming Gary, I would name him Hitler. YOU HAVE DEFEATED HITLER! Fuck yeah. America: 2. Hitler: 0. I felt very patriotic defeating Hitler over and over again with my pokemon.

I would also try to play the game along with the show. Worse decision ever. After a few episodes I realize how slow they actually move. They'll spend a week in veridian city, 2 months on the road, and half a year to defeat some gym leader, all why Team Rocket is still trying to capture Pikachu. WHICH REMINDS ME!!!!!!!!!!

WHY DOES THIS TEAM OF LOSERS ONLY WANT ONE POKEMON????????? THE PURPOSE OF THE TEAM ROCKET ORGANIZATION IS TO STEAL POKEMON TO BUILD AN ARMY OR GET POWERFUL OR SOME CACK LIKE THAT. WHY DOES JESSE, JAMES, AND MEOWTH CARE AND SPEND MANY YEARS TRYING TO CATCH ONE STINKING PIKACHU WHEN THE JOHTO AND KANTO REGION HAS THOUSANDS OF PIKACHUS JUST LIKE THE ONE ASH HAS!!!!!!!! ASH'S PIKACHU ISN'T THAT SPECIAL. IT'S NOT AT LEVEL 100 OR SOME BULLCACK LIKE THAT, IT'S JUST ASH'S BEST FRIEND!!!!!


So let's try to see what our modern day world would be like with Pokemon. Well there would be a whole lot more elementary and middle schoolers running around. Their parents apparently seem to be ok with their child going off around the country to fight other people at the age of 11 or 10. Pokemon are slaves. We go out into the wild and capture them, beat them up, and capture them against their will. Then! We make them fight other Pokemon over and over again. I don't understand if the Pokemon to People ratio is like 10: 1, why don't they just revolt. You can't go walking outside without running into a Pidgey or wandering around a cave with a Zubat flying into you every 3 seconds. If we are making slaves out of powerful animals that are capable of thought, feeling, evolving into stronger animals, and some can talk, they will get pissed. They could destroy our civilization.

So in the Pokemon world, there are presidents or politicians or town leaders. Corporations and Gym leaders rule the land. This doesn't make sense to me and society would seem pretty fucked up to function in. So the Gym leader sole purpose is to wait around for kids to defeat his Pokemon.....what does he do for money???? Those badges, since they are so colorful and elaborate, must get super expensive. And they are just giving them away???!!!

Teleportation is possible, cause Oak can send Ash Pokeballs and Psychic pokemon can teleport. Cloning is possible cause every city has the same nurse and police officer. They say in the television show that Nurse Joy and Officer Jenny have A LOT of cousins. My theory is that they just clone one and set them up around the whole world.....with chips in their brains. Sounds like the set up for a plot in a Sci-Fi movie.

One little 10 year old CHILD can undermine an entire terrorist organization repeatedly, over and over countless times. Is this suppose to be a good thing? I think it would be in our modern world just so the War on Terrorism would be over. But then the war shifts to controlling Pokemon. They are obviously smarter, faster, stronger then all of us. We just managed to developed a prison for them we can walk with them around in and not feed them for weeks. I have never seen Ash feed his Pokemon first, whenever he is hungry. He feeds himself and his human friends join in. Pikachu was smart to realize he didn't have to be locked in a prison. He had free will on his part. And I see Ash rarely let his pokemon out that is not an occasion to battle some random person to be a Pokemon master. HOW CAN A 10 year old boy become a Pokemon master?!! It must take years and years of training to accomplish that. And when you grow up, your dreams change. I wanted to be a Chef growing up. Now I want to be something completely different.

Ash surrounds himself with weird friends. He has got a horny blasian guy who's Dad abandon him. A girl who lives in her sister's shadow and follows the crazy 10 year old, with a lightning rat for a best friend, for the sole purpose of paying her back for a bike. They spend so much money when traveling around, if Ash didn't spend it on worthless cack and just payed Misty back, her annoying self would be gone. The horny blasian guy gets replaced with a creepy guy who wants to be a Pokemon breeder. Let me reiterate this for you: POKEMON BREEDER. This guy has a creepy fetish of WATCHING POKEMON HAVE SEX.



SO TO CHOOSE WHETHER TO LIVE IN A WORLD OF HARRY POTTER OR POKEMON????

I choose Harry Potter.

My reason is that Pokemon seems more dangerous and fucked up. It's a totalitarian state where man munipulates, brainwashes, and controls nature. Pokemon are not friends but slaves. They can used to kill the human race. Kids are allowed to roam the country side and threaten other people to battle(which hurts the pokemon) their pokemon for NO good reason. Terrorism seems a whole lot scarier with giant mutant animals backed up behind them.

Harry Potter seems more fun and happy go lucky.

What's your opinion? Harry Potter or Pokemon?


GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL!!!!!! GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL!!!!!!